Over this past week, I've done a lot of nothing, really. Mostly, I've just been sleeping a lot, watching a bunch of tv and movies, and doing quite a bit of reading. This is partially due to the fact that I'm supposed to be resting up after the removal of my wisdom teeth. The surgery went well, as far as I know, and I'm pretty sure I'm toward the end of my recovery. The other reason for my lack of doing anything is that I really don't have much that I have to do. My only real responsibility at the moment is my job. I didn't get the internship, which means that I'll remain at home for this summer. I'm during to look at the positive side though. I don't have to rush to figure out moving across state. I don't have the issue of worrying where I'll work when the end of summer comes around. I have a whole year to find an internship that will be groping something I really want to do instead of taking an internship because it's all I was able to get. So, I'm starting to think it's not all bad that I didn't get the internship.
Now on to the reason for this post. As I said earlier, I've been doing a lot of reading recently. Well, I guess it's actually rereading. I'm currently going back through a great series, The Circle by Ted Dekker. I've already gone through Black and Red and I am almost done with White. Then there's Green to complete the circle. It's a great series and I highly recommend it.
Anyway, my point is that these books have some amazing concepts in them that have brought me to examine my life. I'll try to avoid giving any spoilers, so I'll just give my thoughts and not what in the books lead me to them.
I have my fair share of things that I've done that I know I shouldn't have. I also believe that many people can identify with that. The worst part of it is that it doesn't stop. It never will for as long as we live on this earth. We will always do wrong, we will always sin. I know exactly how Paul felt when he wrote these words;
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15
I constantly catch myself thinking something, saying something, doing something, that I know I shouldn't. I believe that that is the first step in a process, a sign that God is working in you. Without Him, we would never feel as if our actions are wrong, no matter what we do. Now, done people might say that people have a conscience to tell them right from wrong, but I argue that the concept of a conscience is an idea conceived by those who do not know God and are therefore incapable of seeing Him. I think that our "conscience" is just one of the ways that God speaks to us.
The second step of the process would be taking this realization of wrongdoing and deciding to do something about it. I'm not sure that I have made it past this point in the past, but I am for sure doing so now. This is where the title comes from. I've taken up arms against myself. I've declared war. But the thing is, we will never be able to win the battle on our own, let alone the war. We must have allies. First and foremost, there's our greatest ally who we would literally have no chance without. We must ask God to help us. And not just a simple "Dear God, help me with this, k thanx bai." kind of prayer. We need to fully rely on Him and truly believe that He is capable of anything. We must be constantly in prayer. Now that doesn't mean we have to literally part every waking second of the day, but rather to keep out focus on God and reach out to Him whenever we feel weak. But don't forgot to also reach out in thanksgiving in the other times, because without Him you wouldn't have those times.
It can also be extremely helpful to talk to someone else. Whether that person is a friend, a family member, our just someone you look up to, having someone who cares about you, who knows what you are struggling with, can make a huge difference in the outcome. Even just writing this post has helped me gain an interesting perspective on my struggles.
There are more than just two steps in this process. It doesn't just end when you've won the battle. There will be more battles, more struggles. Some may be the same as ones that you've fought before and hopefully you'll be able to make it through them easier. Others will be new to you, but I can almost guarantee you they aren't new to everyone. There is someone who has gone through it before who can help you.
In Hawk Nelson's song Let's Dance there is a line that says "I don't want to look inside myself, cause then I'd have to change something else". The song goes on to talk about how we need to stay true to ourselves and not change ourselves to be the way the world wants us to be. I feel like these words gold another truth though, when viewed from a different perspective. I think this might be something that a lot of people think. We don't want to look inside ourselves, because if we do, we'll know that we are doing wrong and we'll know that we have to change those things. Sometimes it seems like it would just be easier if we don't know that the wrong we do is wrong, so we avoid thinking about those kind of things.
I challenge you to look inside yourself. Find those things which you need to change. Confide in someone to help you. And take up arms. Take up arms in your own personal civil war.
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