Back to the way it was meant to be

Well, it's been a while since my last post again. I've been busy. I'm not going to get into that too much, but it has made me realize something. My idea that I would post more frequently will probably not come to fruition. I think part of it may be that I'm giving myself deadlines. It makes writing too much of a chore. Then it's not that I'm writing because of something I thought of but because I feel I have to. Even if I don't really have anything I want to write about. So, from now on I'm throwing out the idea of posting every other week. It doesn't mean I won't. It just means I'm no longer giving myself that requirement. That way my posts will get back to being what I wanted them to be, ways of sharing my thoughts on things. Then, I think, I will be more likely to actually want to write them. 

So here's my quick recap of things from the last few weeks. Had a costume party to go to a few weekends ago, so leading up to that I spent a decent amount of my free time working on my costume for said party. So for less than probably $10 total, I had my costume:

If you can't tell, I went as Thor. I think that the process of making the costume was almost as much fun as wearing it. Though, my family would probably not agree. Bonus use of the costume was a super-hero themed service project the morning after the costume party. So, that was all a lot of fun. Since then, there's just been a lot of things that add up to taking up all of my free time. Parties of several varieties(barn, surprise, even Christmas), line dancing, spending time with friends and, of course, school. Oh, and I started a new puzzle. It's pretty cool and I like it a lot so far. But let's get on to the meat and potatoes of this post.

I've had a lot of ideas come to mind for what to post over the past few weeks, but every time I would sit down to write something, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Whether it be the fact that I felt I didn't have enough to say about the topic or that I just couldn't find a way to start the post, the words just wouldn't come. Until yesterday. Yesterday, I realized what I wanted to write about.

One of the things that has been a part of my busy life of late is a bible study called Real Men. Our goal is to figure out how we can be the men that God meant for us to be; Real Men as only He can define. At some point I would love to write about that. But not today. Maybe after we've spent some more time on it. Maybe sooner. Today, though, I want to write about something that came up while just chatting after our bible study one night. It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately and found that several of the other guys in the group agreed. I feel like the Church has not been the Church lately. By that I mean that the Church of today is not what it was meant to be from the dawn of Christianity. And when I brought this up, we started talking about getting back to the first Church, becoming like the early Christians. We talked about diving into the word and really trying to figure out how God wanted us to live as Christians within the Church. And that's exactly what I want to do. 

Now the reason I say that it wasn't until yesterday that I realized I wanted to talk about this is that we had had our conversation a few weeks ago, but the busyness of life buried the thought in the back of my head. Yesterday, my daily reading included Romans 12. The heading for verses 9-21 is "Marks of the True Christian"(ESV). This passage gives a pretty simple list of things that we need to do. But there's also a lot of other places in the bible that show us how we can live as true Christians. Then today, I read Romans 14. What that caused me to realize is this; we have many different beliefs when it comes to how we should serve God. This is evident in the fact that we have so many different denominations in the Christian faith. The only reason why we have different denominations is a difference in what we believe is necessary in following God. But as Paul says to the Christians in Rome; "Who are [we] to pass judgement on the servant of another?" It's not about the things we do, but the reasons behind it. So, in figuring out how to live as true Christians, we need to recognize that there are different ways to serve the Lord.

I am going to challenge myself to examine my life in comparison to that of the True Christian Paul writes about. And I am going to try to learn what the Church is meant to be and try to bring it to reality. And I am going to challenge you to do the same with your life.

Changed To Bring Change

I know, I know. I'm already off to a great start with my whole "post more frequently" thing. It's been over 3 weeks since my last post, but I have my reasons. Okay, they're more like excuses. Honestly, the first week since my last post, I didn't have too much happen, so that weekend I had pretty much nothing to write about. Since then, I've gotten super busy. Or at least busy enough that in the times that I do have free, I just haven't felt like writing. I think that part of it is that, at the time of my last post, I hadn't quite gotten into the routine of school quite yet and had underestimated the amount of work I would have to put into this semester. But that's not the only thing that has kept me from writing.

I have recently started to really work on my relationship with God. Part of that has led me to join my church's youth group as a leader of the freshman guys. It's not an incredibly huge time commitment, (a few hours every Sunday night) but so far it has been awesome. In the few short weeks that we've been meeting so far, we've started to get pretty open and honest with each other. And the opportunity to share with my co-leader and the guys has already presented itself as an opportunity for me to grow in my personal relationship with God, as well as being able to help in theirs. And there's lots of fun to be had. Like the weekly challenges before our Bible study - which the freshman guys (team name: Hot Tamales) are dominating in the scoreboards. And the trip to CedarPoint the Saturday before last.

Waiting in line for Millennium Force

And the picture brings me to my next little anecdote from the last few weeks. You may notice that it's not the same ninja from the previous post. Unfortunately, as ninjas are so good at doing, he disappeared the night that I took those pictures. I have a couple ideas where he may have gone, but I highly doubt I will see him again. So, when I was out for dinner with my family the night before the CedarPoint trip I checked the quarter machines on the way out. Lo and behold, they had the exact same ninjas. So, I quickly fished a quarter out of my pocket, inserted it into the slot and reached for my prize. So there's a new ninja to name (and frankly I kind of like the daggers this one has a lot more than the grappling hook of the previous).

I'll share just one more of my recent distractions with you before I get to some of my thoughts of the past few weeks. This July, I took a motorcycle safety course and got my cycling endorsement. Since then, I've been riding a Suzuki Boulevard S40 that my dad picked up for my mom and me to learn to ride on. A little over a week ago, I bought my own bike, a 1982 Suzuki GS850L. It needs a little work. So, I've been doing a little work on it. And that takes time.

My new baby

 One of the things I've been paying a bit more attention to as of late is worship songs. Or rather, the lyrics of the worship songs. One common theme I've noticed in worship songs is the idea of darkness and God's power over it. I love the ideas that these songs portray to us, but the truth is, they aren't completely true. Don't get me wrong, I know that God has power over the darkness. I just think that some of the things we sing don't really hold up. There's probably many other songs that talk about darkness, but the two examples I had come to mind are both by the Newsboys. The first is I Am Free, in which there is a line that says, "Through You the darkness flees". This is beautiful.And I believe one hundred percent true. The only thing that the darkness flees from is God. And it is only through Him that it flees. The second song is a different story. He Reigns. Another beautiful song. Another mention of darkness. But this one I have a little bit of a problem with.

"And all the powers of darkness

Tremble at what they've just heard

'Cause all the powers of darkness

Can't drown out a single word"

This is such beautiful imagery. I love the way it sounds. I love singing it. But the last time that we sang it in church, I had a different thought come to my mind. The truth is that the powers of darkness can drown out our words. They do it all the time. If it weren't for the powers of darkness, everyone would be brought to Christ. How else could someone hear the Gospel (the Good News) and not come to Christ. But there are powers of darkness that drown out the words of truth. Even in those who have come to Christ, we see the powers of darkness at work. We know the things that we ought to do, but we do not do them. And the things we do not want to do, we do. That's the powers of darkness drowning out the words of truth in our hearts. But the fault isn't in the words of truth. Nor is it in the powers of darkness. It's in ourselves. We are the ones that allow the darkness to defeat the truth. Yes, for most, it isn't a conscious choice. People don't typically think Today, I want to do something wrong. Something evil. But we are sinful in nature and that is what gives the darkness power over us. And it takes a conscious choice to battle that. We must decide to do good. And that is only possible through God.

Which brings me to another song that made me think over the past few weeks. I'm not exactly sure what the name of it is. I've even tried searching for it, but to no avail. The lyrics that I want to focus on though are "I have been changed, to bring change, to bring change." I think this is a great thing for us to remember. And it ties in to the idea of darkness. When we encounter Christ, especially when we decide to live our lives for Him, it changes who we are. And what we need to remember is that it can't stop there. We are changed to bring change. We have to be a light to the world or else the powers of darkness won't even have anything to drown out. 

If we aren't bringing Christ to the world, we have basically surrendered to the darkness.

New Plan

So, here's the deal. I've said that I was going to try to write more frequently, but I've still only managed a few posts over this summer. So, I've decided to do an experiment of sorts. I'm going to attempt to write a new post every week (possibly every other week). It will most likely be toward the end of the week, as a kind of week-in-review sort of thing. I'm a little worried that more frequent posts will equal less interesting posts. This will be my attempt to resolve that before it becomes a problem:

1. I'm thinking about starting to add pictures to my posts (or at least one picture per post). My idea for that was something like this: 
 
Last week Tuesday I hung out with some really cool guys and we played some intense board games. We went for a snack run and they had these little ninja guys in the 25¢ machines. So, a few of us got them. My idea is to take a picture of him somewhere throughout my week that has significance to my post. Here he is hanging out at the fire we had this weekend. But, he's going to need a name and for that I turn to you all. Leave a comment with your suggestions for his name and I'll choose my favorite.
2. Since one of the main reasons I don't write more often is a lack of topics, I'm turning to you for that, too. Any topic you can think of that you'd like to hear my thoughts on - post it in your comment, send me a message on facebook, text me, talk to me in person - let me know any way you can and I'll add it to my list. This doesn't mean I won't still be coming up with my own ideas, I'll still have things to write about if I don't get any feedback. But without your ideas, my posts will probably have a lot more about what I did this week and a lot less about the deep, sometimes profound, thoughts I have.
3. As I previously alluded to, I'm probably going to have a few more details on what is going on in my life. I'm hoping that this doesn't make my posts too boring and that people will still enjoy reading them. But we'll just have to wait and see.

Now, onto the other meaning for the title. I'm going to try to start something new in my personal life as well. Earlier this week, I was talking with a really good friend about life, relationships, God's plan and pretty much anything else. He said "Why can't we just be straightforward with each other?" I'm pretty sure he meant this mostly in regards to relationships, and possibly slightly in jest, but it really is a good point. Why do we always have such trouble with telling people how we really feel. It seems like it always boils down to fear. We're afraid of the reaction we'll get. Either we really like someone and we fear the possibility that they may not feel the same, or we don't like someone and fear hurting them. But the thing is that we know that people feel differently about each other. There are some people that I like and others not so much. And I know that those on both ends have similar feelings toward others. So, if we could only realize and accept that, we can get past these childish fears. We can tell people what we actually think of them. Tell that girl that you think she's pretty awesome. Tell your buddy what he does that bugs you. But there's another part to it. Take that feeling that you get when you tell someone how you feel and remember it for when someone tells you how they feel. If you don't feel the same about each other, than you don't feel the same about each other. It really is nothing more than that. Anyway, I feel like I'm starting to lose myself on this. My whole point is that this is something I feel I need to apply to my life. I'm going to strive to be more open and honest with people. It's going to be tough. It might cause rifts in friendships. I hope and pray that it doesn't change things.

I'll wrap this post up with a quick summary. I'm going to try to be more frequent with my blogposts. I need topics (and a name for the ninja) from you guys, my readers. I'm going to add a few more personal tidbits. And I'm going to try to be more straightforward with people. And I challenge you to do so as well.

Puzzles

Why is it called puzzles? That's the puzzle!

So, I recently finished a puzzle I've been working on for a while now. A 2000 piece puzzle of a harbor in France. It was a really fun puzzle to do, but I'm also kind of nerdy like that. It probably took me at least three times as long to finish the sky as it did to complete the rest of the image. This was partially due to my frustration with the fact that almost all of the sky pieces looked nearly the same. The majority of the time was just me looking at it sitting on my floor, not able to motivate myself enough to finish it.

Anyway, while I was finishing up the last few pieces, I started thinking as I sometimes do. I was thinking about how life is like a giant puzzle. We're all just trying to put the pieces together to form a complete image, a complete life. We find that our lives are full of gaps, missing pieces. Naturally, we try to find the pieces that fit. We just want to feel whole. Maybe we try out a new sport. Or try our hand at painting. Read a book. Learn something new. Build something. Accomplish something. But it doesn't work. At least, not in the way we hope. Sure, there will be some pieces that fit, some gaps filled. We'll begin to feel a little more complete. But it won't be enough. There will still be gaps. Empty spaces remain. We've tried every piece that we have, but nothing fits, nothing fills the hole. So, what do we do? We pick a piece and cram it in there, force it to fit. After all, it's better than feeling empty, right? All too often we have pieces in our lives that don't feel quite right, that we know shouldn't be a part of our lives. But we prefer it to the emptiness, so we pursue it. We hold on to these things in a desperate attempt to feel whole.

But even after all of that, even after cramming in the bits and pieces that you know don't belong just so that you can say "Look at me. I've got it all figured out. I don't need anything else.", you realize that there's still a lot of emptiness. But you also find that you have a lot of extra pieces. A lot that you can give. And guess what? So does everyone else.

Now, I kind of feel like I write a lot about relationships. Maybe too much (especially since I'm probably for sure not the best choice for advice on the matter). But I promise this won't be all about the ooey-gooey, lovey-dovey relationships I've written about in the past. Believe me, they have their place in this, too. But this idea applies to the good old friendship relationships, the tight (and not so tight) familial relationships, and even the special man-beast relationships we have with our cats and dogs. Okay, maybe not so much that last one. That's a different story. But one thing about human beings is that we thrive on relationships. In the words of Sanctus Real, "We need each other, so what's the fighting for?" Our relationships that we form with each other are a huge part of who we are. It's not so much that we all have our own individual puzzles, but more like someone took a whole bunch of puzzles, mixed all the pieces together and then divided them up between all of us. We need each other if we ever want to feel complete. And maybe there's something about you that helps fill someone else's life. In turn, they may just make your life more complete. And remember those pieces in your life that really don't belong, the ones you just crammed in there? Someone will come along and help you see that they shouldn't be there and help you find something that should. You need to get rid of those pieces and trust that the spaces will be filled by others in your life.

Sometimes you'll think you've found the right pieces. Sometimes a piece will fit if you just remove a few neighboring pieces. Sometimes they'll even fit with the pieces that are already there. But sometimes when you're making a puzzle, you don't realize that a piece isn't right until you try to fill in the surrounding pieces and can't. You'll have pieces that you know belong that will make it obvious that the one you thought was meant to be there belongs elsewhere. Sometimes people will leave your life and take some of their pieces with them, leaving you feeling empty where you once felt whole. But just as puzzle pieces aren't all the same, there is variety in the figurative puzzle pieces of life. Some are tied to a person and leave when they do. A listening ear, a helping hand, a caring heart. But others become a permanent part of your life. You'll always have the memories, the impressions left on you. Nobody can take all of their pieces when they go. Everyone you meet effects your view on life.

But even with all of your friends and family, even with all of the people that you'll ever meet, even with all of the people that you'll never meet, you won't be able to complete your puzzle. Because there are some things in life that no person can ever give you. No person can. But God can. The perfect love that we all seek, the inconceivable forgiveness that we all need, the matchless sacrifice that none of us deserve. The grace, mercy and salvation that only Christ can offer us, these are the things that are absolutely necessary for completeness. Without Him, you will always be searching for a way to fill the void in your life. It amazes me how much this idea is evident in the mainstream secular world. We see it in the way that society treats money, marriage and morals. "You aren't happy? Well, that's because your husband doesn't love you enough, your job doesn't pay well enough, your social life isn't fun enough. You need to leave him and get a better one. You need to work harder and get that promotion. You need to loosen up and get crazy" But nothing we can do will ever match what Christ does for us. We will never feel completely whole without Him.

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So, I made the mistake of trying to write this post from my phone. I managed to lose nearly all my work twice before I finally decided to write it down on paper and then type it up on my computer. So, it's not quite what I wanted it to be in the beginning, but hopefully it can still speak to someone. Like always, comments, critiques & responses are more than welcome.

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All men are created equal... or are they?

** I got busy again, so this post took me a bit longer than I had hoped. Sorry.**

Alright. Here it is. The super controversial post that I've been putting off writing for a while now. I'm not entirely sure of why I haven't taken the time to put down my thoughts yet. It might be that I'm a little worried about how people are going to take it. It might be that I'm still trying to get back to "normal" after losing my grandpa. Or maybe it's just that I've been so caught up in day to day life that I've not really had the time. Most likely it's a little bit of each and probably some other stuff too. Anyway, I know this is going to be a tough read for some people. Hopefully others will love it. I will probably lose some respect over this, but I may just gain some, too.

Now before you go and take my title the wrong way, let me just straighten that out right away. What I meant is that we aren't all cookie cutter replicas of each other and I think that's something that needs to be better addressed in the Church. But I'll get back to that.

I'm sure that you've heard all about the whole homosexual rights movement thing that's been going on lately. I just thought I'd put my position out there. I personally haven't been following the movement all that closely, but I continuously see it pop up on the news, on social media and just in everyday conversations. I also recently had a conversation with a friend about the issue of homosexuality and whether or not it is a sin. One thing she said was that she couldn't understand my argument because she didn't see it as sinful. So where do I go? To God's word:

"Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable." ~ Leviticus 18:22 

"If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads." ~ Leviticus 20:13 

But Alex, that's Leviticus, the laws for the Israelites. Didn't Christ come and basically say that the old law was fulfilled and that he was the new law? Yes, but there's also New Testament verses that still say that homosexual acts are wrong. For example:

"Don't you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don't fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." ~ 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

I thought about doing the whole ellipses shortening of that verse thing, but by leaving the entire passage, it helps to demonstrate my view. First off, notice that he doesn't say those who are homosexuals, but rather says those who practice homosexuality. This is one of the huge things that points to the act being the sin, not the orientation. Secondly, I want you to notice that he doesn't just say those who practice homosexuality, but includes the idol worshipers, drunkards, greedy, adulterous, abusive, etc. in the list of those who will not inherit the kingdom. And last, but most definitely not least, reread those last couple of sentences. You were once like that. But you were cleansed, made holy and made right with God by calling on the name of Jesus. By calling yourself a Christian, you choose to put off your old ways. You no longer practice homosexuality. Just like you no longer steal. Or cheat. Or become drunk. Or beat your wife. Or [insert your own personal struggle here]. Yes you may will still struggle with the desires. But the desires lead to sin (James 1:14-15) and we need to learn how to deal with those desires. But that's a whole different discussion.

 The problem is that many people think that being a homosexual is sinful. That if you have an attraction to the same sex, you are sinning. I personally do not believe that. I believe that acting upon those feelings, attractions, desires, is what constitutes the sin. Another part of the problem is that when people share this view, many homosexuals believe it to be the other view. If they are told that what they are doing is sinful, they believe they are being told that they are sinful just for being who they are. 

The truth is, we are all sinful just for being who we are. It's a fact of life. Which leads me to the my next topic, the Church. I feel like the Church as a whole hasn't been doing all to great with the idea that we are all sinners. Now, I can't speak for every church, but I have been to a few of them in my area. Quick clarity point; by Church I'm talking about Christ's bride as a whole, whereas church is an individual church. I believe it is every church's responsibility to accurately portray the Church. Christ laid out quite a bit of what we are supposed to look like as the Church, and I think I can honestly say that I have never been to a church that completely looks like the Church. Of course, that's probably because the Church is full of sinners. At least some churches are attempting to portray the Church. The church I go to now is really into the idea that we are all sinners, we all fall short of the glory of God. We're a very come as you are kind of church. I like that,  because it encourages people to not put on a mask of perfection when they come to church, only to take it off again as they leave. But one thing I've seen at many churches, mine included, is the failure to notice that we aren't all the same. We don't all struggle with the same sins. Some of us face vanity issues. Some of us face homosexual desires. For some it's alcoholism. For some it's pornography. Envy. Hatred. Lying. Cheating. Gluttony. The list goes on and on. Sin is sin. And God has said that anyone who sins, which is every last one of us, whether it be sexual immorality or not honoring our parents, is in the same boat. It is all a direct defiance of His law. The problem I see is that in many churches, we fail to remember that. I've heard of churches who excommunicate members who were caught in an affair. Who are we to decide that one sin is worthy of excommunication and another is not? The truth is that if we kick sinners out of the church there wouldn't be a church left. Though my church doesn't go so far as to excommunicate people (as far as I know) I still see this failure to recognize that we are not all the same but our sins are. There are certain things that are viewed as more acceptable sins than others. I recently talked with someone who said he felt ostracized by the church for something he did. While I hear stories of others who are blatantly disobeying God, but through our wanting to be accepting of all no matter the sin, we almost give approval of a sinful life.

I guess it's all just been bothering me a bit lately. I've been trying to take the faith that I've been raised in and make it into my own. My own personal relationship with Christ. I guess that's what's been getting me to think about this kind of stuff more. But I do believe that this is something that our churches need to work on. We need to stop being churches and become the Church.

Thousands of thoughts running through my head.

I've been thinking about my next post for a while now. I've been working it out in my head, talking with some friends and just trying to work out what I would write. I've had all kinds of ideas and just had to put them down. That post was all but written. But this isn't going to be that post.
This past Thursday was my little sister's high school graduation. My family went, along with my grandma. My grandpa stayed home because he wasn't feeling good. After the ceremony, my sister had her all-nighter with school and the rest of us decided to go out for something to eat. My grandma called my grandpa to see how he was feeling and let him know that she was going out with us. He told her he was feeling a little bit better and was actually able to keep down a bowl of soup. I'm not entirely sure of what else he said, but I know he told her that he missed her and I'm pretty sure he said that he loved her before they ended the call.
We went to Applebee's for half price appetizers and it seemed like just about everyone else in the area did, too. It took us a while to get seated. And it took a while to get our food. And it took a while for us to finish. We watched the Red Wings win. We joked. We laughed. We celebrated my sister's graduation. And then we went home.
When we got back to our house we said goodbye to grandma and she headed home. We went inside and talked, though I can't remember what about. Then we all started settling in for the night. I was feeling kind of tired and was about to head to bed when my dad's phone rang. I thought it was my little sister, calling to be picked up like we had joked about earlier on that night. But it wasn't her. From the few words I could hear and the way my dad's mood changed so quickly, I knew something was wrong.
My grandma had arrived home to find that my grandpa had fallen asleep watching tv. After getting ready for bed, she went to wake him and tell him he should get to bed. He wouldn't wake up. That's when she had called my dad. He called the cops, told my older sister and me to wait for them to let us know what was going on and he took off out the door with my mom. So I sat there with my sister and we waited. That's when the thoughts started to pour in. Every possibility was running through my head. I was hoping beyond hope that we would get a call that he had just been in a really deep sleep. Or that he was on his way to the hospital, but it looked like he would be okay. But those calls just never came. Then, my sister's phone did ring. I hurried over to pick it up, because she was in the bathroom. My dad asked why I had picked up and I told him. He then simply said that grandpa was gone. It hurt to hear the pain in his voice even saying those few words. But I was able to hold it together. I was going to be strong for my dad. As I was trying to figure out if he wanted us to head over or not my sister came in and looked at me, asking the unspoken question with her eyes. I couldn't think of what to say, but she knew just looking at me. She started bawling. Then I lost it. That's what pushed me to the point where I could no longer hold back tears. I don't even know how long we stood there, tears pouring from my eyes, my older sister sobbing in my arms, all while I held the phone to my ear listening to a similar situation at the other end, not knowing what to say.
We drove over and by the time we got there the EMTs were leaving. Walking in the door just felt weird. I feel like that has become my new word to describe everything. Weird. But we sat up talking. And crying. And every once in a while laughing at a funny memory. It just all felt so surreal. There were a couple police there and we had some people come to talk through things with us. I think it was at least three in the morning before we ended up heading home, but I didn't really sleep much at all. I wasn't really tired anymore.
It wasn't really expected, but it also wasn't really not expected. My grandpa had had heart problems in the past that had put him in the hospital a few times. Those were the scares. But there was nothing to say that this time should have been any different. They told us that he most likely fell asleep and didn't even notice it at all when it happened. The heart attack was so sudden and so strong that he didn't have any pain. It was just one second he was there and the next he was gone. I guess that's really something to be happy about. I've seen people suffering and I'm glad he didn't have that. The crappy part though, is not really having a chance to say goodbye.
I read through an older post of mine that talked a little about death. It made me realize a couple things. One, that I used to be a lot better of a writer. Two, on a more serious note, I don't remember what the last thing I said to my grandpa was. Or what his last words to me were. It was probably the usual "Love you"s and goodbyes of when I would leave their house, but I just can't remember for sure. And that's just one of those thoughts that I've thought ever since that phone call. Sometimes it will be a random memory that will just come out of nowhere and rip at my heart. Sometimes it's something he used to say that will make me smile.
Friday night I had a wedding to go to with a friend. I thought it would be a good idea to go and keep my mind off things. Plus it was a chance to hang out with a great friend who I hadn't seen much lately and won't have another chance to see for a while. It was nice. I had a good time and it kept me from thinking too much. But it also just felt weird. And they had us sing "Amazing Grace" which brought tears to my eyes. I remember thinking how it's not really what I would think of as a wedding song.
After the wedding I just kind of drove around for a little while, not really wanting to go home. I got stuck at a train when it stopped on the tracks. Twice. I welcomed the chance to just sit with my thoughts, but after 15 minutes, went searching for another route. When I finally ended up at home, I had a random song pop into my head, looked it up and waited until I had listened to the whole thing before going inside. Switchfoot's "I Don't Belong Here" had a special message for me that night. It reminded me that this isn't our ultimate home. We don't belong in this world full of hate, pain, disease, death and sin. It brought me a bit of comfort that night, knowing that my grandpa was in a place so much better than where we are.
Sunday morning is probably the first time it really hit me hard. We went to church, only to find out that the message was going to be about suffering. That fact alone was like God reaching out and smacking me with reality. Then all the songs were chosen based off of the message. I couldn't sing. At all. I kept getting choked up, looked over to see my mom and sister were both crying too. Then one of the guys sitting across the aisle from us left and got us a box of tissues. It was such a simple little gesture, but the impact it had on me was massive. I thought to myself, "That's what the church should be." It doesn't always have to be a grand gesture. It doesn't even have to be the right words. It doesn't even have to be any words at all. But sometimes people just need to know that you're there for them, that you want to help. Even if it's such a small thing as grabbing a box of tissues. Such a small thing could actually be a really big thing. Anyway, back to the songs. The song that really got to me was the first song we sang, "Your Love Never Fails". It basically just talks about how even in the toughest times, God will always love us no matter what. It just got me thinking about how all of this is in God's hands and I couldn't help but picture my grandpa standing right there  with my God in unimaginable joy. From that song on, I could only get a few words out before choking up again.
Yesterday was weird. There's that word again. Weird. It was supposed to be a happy day of celebration, honoring the freedoms we have and the men and women who have fought to give them to us. Instead, it was a dull, dreary, drizzly day. We didn't really do much. Had an open house to go to for a friend and I went back to work for the first night since it happened. Work was a welcome distraction. It's funny how work usually seems to drag on, but when I actually seek that feeling, time flies on by.
Today is the visitation. And tomorrow, the funeral. I know that these couple of days are going to be the hardest, the days I really get hit with the realization that he is gone. Prayers for my family would be greatly appreciated.
Well, I've been writing this post for a few days now. I've just been unable to finish it and unsure if I really wanted to post it. Overall, I think it's mostly just been a way for me to process things. I feel like it's helped me make sense of things. My thoughts have calmed a bit. I'm not sure if it would be of much help to anyone else, but I guess I'll just post it anyway. It's not my best writing, I know that. It's more just a bunch of my feelings and thoughts poured out. Anyway, if you've made it here, thanks for reading the whole thing. I'll try to write again in a few days, when I can have a more reflexive perspective. Hopefully that will be a more helpful post.

My own personal civil war.

Over this past week, I've done a lot of nothing, really. Mostly, I've just been sleeping a lot, watching a bunch of tv and movies, and doing quite a bit of reading. This is partially due to the fact that I'm supposed to be resting up after the removal of my wisdom teeth. The surgery went well, as far as I know, and I'm pretty sure I'm toward the end of my recovery. The other reason for my lack of doing anything is that I really don't have much that I have to do. My only real responsibility at the moment is my job. I didn't get the internship, which means that I'll remain at home for this summer. I'm during to look at the positive side though. I don't have to rush to figure out moving across state. I don't have the issue of worrying where I'll work when the end of summer comes around. I have a whole year to find an internship that will be groping something I really want to do instead of taking an internship because it's all I was able to get. So, I'm starting to think it's not all bad that I didn't get the internship.

Now on to the reason for this post. As I said earlier, I've been doing a lot of reading recently. Well, I guess it's actually rereading. I'm currently going back through a great series, The Circle by Ted Dekker. I've already gone through Black and Red and I am almost done with White. Then there's Green to complete the circle. It's a great series and I highly recommend it.
Anyway, my point is that these books have some amazing concepts in them that have brought me to examine my life. I'll try to avoid giving any spoilers, so I'll just give my thoughts and not what in the books lead me to them.

I have my fair share of things that I've done that I know I shouldn't have. I also believe that many people can identify with that. The worst part of it is that it doesn't stop. It never will for as long as we live on this earth. We will always do wrong, we will always sin. I know exactly how Paul felt when he wrote these words;

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15

I constantly catch myself thinking something, saying something, doing something, that I know I shouldn't. I believe that that is the first step in a process, a sign that God is working in you. Without Him, we would never feel as if our actions are wrong, no matter what we do. Now, done people might say that people have a conscience to tell them right from wrong, but I argue that the concept of a conscience is an idea conceived by those who do not know God and are therefore incapable of seeing Him. I think that our "conscience" is just one of the ways that God speaks to us.

The second step of the process would be taking this realization of wrongdoing and deciding to do something about it. I'm not sure that I have made it past this point in the past, but I am for sure doing so now. This is where the title comes from. I've taken up arms against myself. I've declared war. But the thing is, we will never be able to win the battle on our own, let alone the war. We must have allies. First and foremost, there's our greatest ally who we would literally have no chance without. We must ask God to help us. And not just a simple "Dear God, help me with this, k thanx bai." kind of prayer. We need to fully rely on Him and truly believe that He is capable of anything. We must be constantly in prayer. Now that doesn't mean we have to literally part every waking second of the day, but rather to keep out focus on God and reach out to Him whenever we feel weak. But don't forgot to also reach out in thanksgiving in the other times, because without Him you wouldn't have those times.

It can also be extremely helpful to talk to someone else. Whether that person is a friend, a family member, our just someone you look up to, having someone who cares about you, who knows what you are struggling with, can make a huge difference in the outcome. Even just writing this post has helped me gain an interesting perspective on my struggles.

There are more than just two steps in this process. It doesn't just end when you've won the battle. There will be more battles, more struggles. Some may be the same as ones that you've fought before and hopefully you'll be able to make it through them easier. Others will be new to you, but I can almost guarantee you they aren't new to everyone. There is someone who has gone through it before who can help you.
In Hawk Nelson's song Let's Dance there is a line that says "I don't want to look inside myself, cause then I'd have to change something else". The song goes on to talk about how we need to stay true to ourselves and not change ourselves to be the way the world wants us to be. I feel like these words gold another truth though, when viewed from a different perspective. I think this might be something that a lot of people think. We don't want to look inside ourselves, because if we do, we'll know that we are doing wrong and we'll know that we have to change those things. Sometimes it seems like it would just be easier if we don't know that the wrong we do is wrong, so we avoid thinking about those kind of things.

I challenge you to look inside yourself. Find those things which you need to change. Confide in someone to help you. And take up arms. Take up arms in your own personal civil war.

I'm coming back, but my wisdom teeth won't be.

So, it's been a while since my last post. Like a really long while. Like almost two years. So here's my short little spiel addressing that.

It's been a while, I know. I want to get back into this again. I've actually wanted to for some time now. I never wanted to stop in the first place, I just got busy. I know that's an excuse and I could have made time to write, but I feel it was a little more complicated than that. There were several times when I had something I felt like writing about but got overwhelmed with things going on at the time.

Anyway, I'm hoping to start writing posts again and to try to do so somewhat frequently. I have a few ideas of things to write about, but could always use more ideas, so your suggestions are always welcome.

Now to the reasons that bring me back today. Lately I've felt like I've really been faced with questions and decisions that will greatly affect my life. I only have about a year left before I graduate. When I graduate, though, depends on if I can get an internship for this summer. I had an interview this past Friday. They told me they'd most likely let me know by today or tomorrow. Since I haven't heard anything today, I'm
expecting a call tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'm also having my wisdom teeth removed. So, I'm not expecting to be fully with it. So, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do about that call. Either way, this internship could be a big part of my life.

If I get the internship, it means moving across the state for the summer. I know I can cope with living on my own, since I've done it before, but I also feel like this would be a whole new experience for me because of where it would be located.

On the other hand, of I don't get an offer, I most likely won't get one for this summer. I would have to get one next summer and then wouldn't graduate until the end of that summer. That means I wouldn't be able to get a "real" job for an extra three months, but it may be more likely that the company I intern with would offer a job after graduate.

All in all, there a lot more things than just this to consider. But I'm pretty sure I'd take it if given an offer.

There are also a lot of other decisions I'm facing now. I think this is part of the reason why I'm thinking about starting too write again. I guess it just seems like it might help to chronicle my decisions and choices. Hopefully I'll be able to provide some insight to others facing similar decisions as well.

I'm going to leave it at that for today, but I hope to follow up on this soon. Feel free to suggest topics and I'll try to give my thoughts on them.